Drew Rosenhaus Speaks Better English than You Do

Ah, Drew Rosenhaus.  Really just one of my all-time most despised favorite sharks people.

He's back in the news again, having somehow finagled a connection to the Michael Vick dogfighting story, just like you always knew he would.  You can't have an NFL story getting this much attention without Rosenhaus eventually becoming part of it.

And so it was yesterday, a few days after Rosenhaus' client Clinton Portis made the following remarks in defense of Vick:

"It's his property; it's his dogs," Portis told a Norfolk, Va., television station. "If that's what he wants to do, do it..."

In the TV interview, the Laurel, Miss., native added: "I know a lot of back roads that got a dog fight if you want to go see it."

Now I don't know about you, but to me the meaning of those two statements is pretty clear.  There aren't that many ways I can interpret: "If that's what he wants to do, do it."

But that's because I'm not a genius like Drew Rosenhaus.  Here's the famous agent explaining what his client really meant to say:

Rosenhaus, speaking at a Charlotte Touchdown Club luncheon, said he talked to Portis about it. "He said, 'Drew, I didn't mean for the way that came out. All I was saying, I wasn't condoning dogfighting. I wasn't condoning Michael Vick's conduct. All I was saying is that people should give him the benefit of the doubt until he's been charged or found guilty,' " Rosenhaus said.

The agent then immediately began a public-relations campaign to clear Portis' name.

"I like the fact that Clinton stood up for another athlete, but I want to clarify that he in no way, shape or form condones dogfighting or any type of illegal activity," Rosenhaus said. "I spent the last day or so with Clinton trying to get that message out."

First of all, it sounds to me more like he was trying to get the message in.  ("Repeat after me, Clinton baby, 'I do not condone dogfighting.  I do not condone dogfighting.'")  But beyond that, there's not even a superficial resemblance to Portis' actual remarks in what Rosenhaus said.  Let's look again:

Portis: "It's his property; it's his dogs.  If that's what he wants to do, do it."

Voldemort: "All [he] was saying, [he] wasn't condoning dogfighting.  [He] wasn't condoning Michael Vick's conduct.  All [he] was saying is that people should give him the benefit of the doubt until he's been charged or found guilty" 

One more time:

Portis: "If that's what he wants to do, do it."

Satan: "[He] wasn't condoning Michael Vick's conduct."

Right.  Makes perfect sense.

Here's the kicker.  Death, the destroyer of worlds, even managed to say this with a straight face: "It was awkward for me, because it was one of my clients and I'm a real dog lover myself."

Go to hell, Drew.