The Adventures Of Mac And Jax: On The Road

"That's the important thing here, from the time we get on the plane until the time we play the game, that you utilize that time wisely. That's what we need to do. I have a lot of new guys on this football team and this is the first time that they've been with me on a two-day trip. I expect certain things and I know that the veteran players will be a good example."

--Andy Reid, October 16, 2009

Jax: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Two-day roadtrip!  Back home in Cali, with an extra night to kill?  Dude, we're totally going to party.

Mac: Ugh.  Again with the partying.  When will you learn?  Didn't you hear what Coach Reid said?  This is a business trip. 

Jax:  Exactly, a business trip.  And do you know what most of America does when they go on business trips?  Do you?

Mac: No, what do they do.

Jax: THEY PARTY!  No wife, no kids, and an expense account?  Come on, dude.  What do you think?  That people get on planes and hang out in other cities and just have a cream soda and head for bed early?  Business trips are all about debauchery.  Shows what you know, rook.

Mac: Well, regardless of what the rest of America does, I think we should just lay low tonight. 

Jax: Lay low?  What, are you kidding?

Mac: Well, Don just texted me and he said that some of the guys were going to watch some film tonight.

Jax: He texted you? 

Mac: Yeah.

Jax: He didn't text me.

Mac: Well, I'm sure it's not a big deal.  I wouldn't read too much into it. 

Jax: Whatever, if you want to go and play pinochle with all the married guys, that's cool, but I went to school out here and I'm telling you that I can get us the hook up. 

Mac: The hook up?  What, some frat house with beer pong? 

Jax: Frat house?  Come oooooonnnnnnn, man.  I know you just turned 21 and that you're from some hick school in the flyover states, but we can do a little better than a frat house. I'm talking about the hook up.  You know, someplace hip, the bottle service, maybe you meet someone special....

Mac: Um, I thought you already had someone special.

Jax: Seriously, dude, do I have to explain everything to you?  We're semi-exclusive right now because I become emotionally unavailable during football season and it's best for both of us if we reduce the overall commitment level.  Also, it doesn't count as cheating if you're in a different area code.  Wow.  For a guy who got drafted in the first round, there's a lot you don't know. 

Mac: Well, what about Coach Reid?  You heard what he said in the meeting.  That he expects us to behave in a professional manner.  You know, some of us take our professionalism seriously.    

Jax: Dude, it's just the two of us.  You can chill out a little bit.  They don't bug our rooms, I'm not gonna tell on you. 

Mac: Coach Reid was very clear.  The man has expectations.  And you know that he's suspended guys for breaking rules in the past. 

Jax: [Shaking head.]  Dude, there's no one here getting suspended.  First of all, Mr. Husky Pants isn't catching anyone missing curfew.  I'll tell you where the Fat Man will be later tonight.  He's going to be alone in his room, crying himself to sleep with the meat sweats in the shame spiral to end all shame spirals.

Mac: Huh?  How do you know that?

Jax: For someone who listens soooo closely to the coaches, you sure don't seem to hear very well.  You haven't noticed him pestering me at practice all week?

Mac: I thought he was talking about all the special plays they were going to run for you this week.  You know, so you feel like you're still part of the offense. 

Jax: Special plays?  Like I need special plays.  But even if I did, that's not what we were talking about.  That dude was bugging me about where to get the best chili cheese fries out here.

Mac: Chili cheese fries? 

Jax: Ummm, in case you haven't noticed, Coach has issues saying no to seconds?  His wife is all up in his grill about the diet and everything when he's at home, but when he's on the road he can get his gorge on.  And the man has a weakness for chili cheese fries.  So I told him about I.B.'s Hoagies and told him they serve chili cheese fries by the bucket.  Should have seen the look in his eyes when I told him that part about the bucket. 

Mac: Well even if Coach Reid is out of the picture, they'll be other folks doing bed check. 

Jax.  Right.  Bed check.  You know who bed check is for?  Bed check is for guys who don't score touchdowns.  We score touchdowns.  Some of the other guys were telling me about this thing like 10 years ago where three dudes on the team got caught in a car smoking weed.  Yeah, the two guys who didn't start got cut, and guy who scored touchdowns got a slap on the wrist.  Not an accident.

Mac: Even so, that wouldn't look good back home.          

Jax: Whatever, like anybody would find out.  By the way, speaking of weed, I'm hoping that my boys can also set that up for us.

Mac: Why would you even bring that up?

Jax: Well, you know. 

Mac: No, I don't know. 

Jax: Come on.  Seriously?

Mac: Yes, seriously.

Jax: Well how else were we going to get weed on this trip?  [Rolling eyes.]  In case you haven't noticed, Herremans is injured and didn't make the trip.  No Herremans, no weed.  Duh. 

Mac: Oh.  Right.     

[Pause.]

Jax: Herremans is kind of a d*ck, though.  I hate getting weed from him anyway. 

Mac: Totally.

[Black conversion van comes screeching to a halt.  Out pops a certain injured Eagles offensive lineman.]

Herr-Dawg: Yo brah.  Did someone say weed?

Mac: What are you doing out here?  I thought you were hurt and rehabbing.

Herr-Dawg: Brah, you don't think I'd miss a trip out to the Bay Area.  This close to Humboldt County?  Come on.  Also, if that pansy Andrews can rehab out west, why can't I?  Jax, you went to school out here, right?

Jax: Yeah, dude.

Herr-Dawg: Any idea where we can meet some sexy ladies tonight?  Maybe take them for a ride in Herr-Dawg's LoveWagon? 

Jax: I think I have some ideas.

Herr-Dawg: Solid, brah, solid.  Also, do your boys have a line on some shrooms?  I've been totally dry since Burning Man. 

Jax: Umm, I don't think so. 

Herr-Dawg: You sure?  I've got plenty of pain meds that I'm willing to trade for shrooms.  You know, just in case.  How bout you, Mac?  You partying tonight?   You look like you could use a little chill time.   

Mac: No, I thought I'd stay in and study up on the game plan. 

Herr-Dawg: Spoken like a true nerd.  Let me know how Bible study with the dogs-and-babies crew goes.  Okay, party people, we rolling.  Jax, you good to go?

Jax: Totally.  [Picking up jacket, putting hand in pocket.]  Aw crap.  Going to need to hit an ATM.

Mac: You're short on cash?

Jax: No, I just need to go to the ATM.

Mac: No, it's not a big deal if you are. 

Jax: I'm not.

Mac: No, I'm just saying, if you're short on cash, I can help you out. 

Jax: I'm not short on cash. 

Mac: No, it's just, well, I've been so blessed, and I have the first-round contract, so, you know, I want to help out if I can.

Jax: Yeah dude, I don't need your money. 

Mac: But promise me you'd ask if you did.

Jax: Dude.

Mac: Promise me.

Jax: Dude, seriously.  You're pushing it.

Mac: No, I'm just saying. 

Jax: Enough, dude.  Enough.    

Mac: Well, have a good time then.  Don't stay out too late.  You need to be at your best on Sunday.

Jax: Thanks, man. 

Mac: Yeah, we don't want you to have any excuses when I show you up again in front of your college buddies. 

Join us again next week (maybe) for the further misadventures of Mac and Jax; this will be slightly dependent on how weird I feel about writing additional Eagles fan fiction....