The Adventures of Mac and Jax: Hotel California

Interior of a hotel room, San Diego, California.  Late Saturday night, Pacific Time.  Two young men are reclining on adjacent double beds. 

Jax: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, Mac, it is good to be back in California again.  A little sun, a little sand, a nice break from Philly.  All that negative talk after the Cowboys game was kind of getting me down.

Mac: Yeah, well, let's hope that this trip to the west coast works out a little better than the last one.  I can't believe you dragged me out that night.  We're lucky we didn't get fined for coming in so late.

Jax: Oh please, that night was huge for us.  Good for team bonding.  I mean, even Don was out with us. 

Mac: Yeah, well, don't you think that was part of the problem?  I still can't believe how much tequila he drank the night before a game.  

Jax picks up pad of paper from nightstand and hurls it at Mac's head.  Mac barely manages to parry the incoming projectile. 

Mac: WTF.  What was that for?

Jax: Just testing your reflexes.  Gotta keep your eyes open for the ball at all times, rook.

Mac: Thanks for the tip.  You know, I only have one fewer catch than you.

Jax responds by flinging a pen at Mac's head, again.  Mac parries the blow, again.

Jax: Nice work!

Mac: Would you please stop that.

Jax: Nah man, you did a nice job.  Sure, you didn't catch it, but at least nobody intercepted it.  We'll call it a step in the right direction.  

There's a knock at the door.  Jax gets up to answer it. 

Jax: I think I know who this is...

Drew Rosenhaus: Jax!  Great to see you!  I'm in town for the game, and I thought I'd stop by and see my most important client!  You know you're my most important client!  You're the most talented player on this team, and the League doesn't even know what you're capable of!  YOU DA MAN, Jax!  YOU DA MAN!

Jax: Yeah, whatever, Rosenfetus.  Good to see you too. 

Drew Rosenhaus: Yeah!  YOU DA MAN!  You know we're gonna get you paid, Jax, you know it!  You know I'm the guy who gets you paid!  I've done it before and I'll do it again.  The Eagles won't know what hit them.  We'll get you the respect you deserve!  YOU DA MAN!

Jax: Yup.  That's why I hired you, Rosenfetus. 

Drew Rosenhaus: And that last agent you had, they just never understood you, Jax.  Never understood your gifts.  Never understood how you can change the game forever. 

Jax: Uh huh.  You know, Rosenfetus, it's getting kind of late...

Drew Rosenhaus: Jax, I mean this in the politest and most respectful way, but my name is Rosenhaus, not Rosenfetus.

Jax: Oh right, sure.  Yeah, so like I was saying, Rosenfetus, it's getting kind of late and we have a big game tomorrow.

Drew Rosenhaus: Totally.  Totally!  A guy like you, you're totally committed to the game.  You're not here to party.  I got it.  That's what makes you the best.  I'll go.

Rosenhaus heads for the door. 

Jax: Cool, cool.  Yeah, we'll talk soon. 

Drew Rosenhaus: Oh yeah, and Mac, if you ever want to talk, Jax has my number. 

Jax: No I don't.  We'll talk to you later, dude.

The door closes behind Rosenhaus.

Mac: You know, if you're short on cash, you shouldn't feel that you need to, you know, consort with a guy like that. 

Jax: Umm, no.  I'm fine.  Thanks for asking, though. 

Mac: Well, if we're done with visitors for the evening, I think I'm going to tuck in. 

Jax: Aw dude, really?  We're in Southern California.  There's all sorts of goodness out there tonight.  Trust me.  Back in Oakland, we met my college friends.  But down here, we can hang with my high school buddies -- whole different story. 

Mac: Yeah, well, it's obvious that this plan has failed at least once already.  I think I'm good right here. 

There's a knock at the door. 

Mac: This isn't your agent coming back to make sure you don't need a pumpkin spice latte or something.

Jax: I dunno, why don't you go check it out. 

Mac disgustedly slumps to the door and opens it.   

E.D.I.D.: HEY GUYS.  JUST THOUGHT I'D SAY HI.  I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT HERE IN SAN DIEGO, INJURED RESERVING IT, CHILLIN.  YOU KNOW, HITTING PINKBERRY, TWEETING ABOUT HITTING PINKBERRY, GETTING MY MICHAEL PHELPS ON -- THE USUAL STUFF.

Mac: Um, hey.

Jax: Yeah, I thought we'd agreed we wouldn't be hanging out anymore.

Mac: Not until you were actually playing again.  Seriously, I thought that was the whole plan. 

E.D.I.D.: WELL, I KNOW.  I KNOW.  BUT SINCE I WAS IN TOWN, I FIGURED IT WOULDN'T BE A BIG DEAL IF I STOPPED BY.  YOU KNOW, FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.

Jax: Dude, I don't think that's the deal.  I think you need to go.

E.D.I.D.: AW GEE.  OKAY.  DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONE IS MY BROTHER'S ROOM?

Mac: No.

Mac abruptly closes the door. 

Mac: I hope that's the last interruption of the evening.  I really think we should be getting to sleep. 

Jax: You know, I think you might be right.  Maybe we should be getting to bed.

Mac: Yes!  I see that you're finally coming around.  We'll get a good night's sleep, we'll be fresh in the morning, and we'll go out there and play our best game tomorrow. 

Mac walks to the bathroom to brush his teeth.  

Mac: You row, I fuz thinfing vat ve good go ower some sruff amout va davepan.

Jax: The what?

Mac: Va davepan.

Jax:  Oh.  The gameplan.  Yeah, whatevs. 

Jax picks up his phone and starts fiddling.  There's another knock at the door.

Mac: Arghghgh.  Hoo fould sis be?

Jax: Yeah, rook, would you mind getting that?

Mac dutifully answers the door.

Jayden James: Hey guys! 

Mac: Umm, hrey?

Jax: Well hello.  Come on in, have a seat.

Jayden James: Is this Donovan's room?

Mac: No.

Jax drills Mac in the upper arm.

Jax:  Maybe.   

Jayden James: Yeah, well, he sent me a text and told me to come see him the next time he was in California, so I drove down and figured I'd stop by his room and say hi.  I have some friends coming by as well.

Jax:  Say hi?  You and your friends?  That all you guys are going to do?

Jayden James: Well, you know, I thought we might do all sorts of stuff.  Hang out WITH OUR TOPS ON.  Watch some TV WITH OUR TOPS ON.  Maybe grab a drink or something WITH OUR TOPS ON.

Jax: Sounds like a party.  Mind if I join you?  I can help you find his room?

Jayden James: Can you help us find his room WITH OUR TOPS ON?

Jax: Sure.  On, off, both are chill.  

Jayden James: Before we go, do you mind if I use your restroom with WITH MY TOP ON?

Jax: Not a problem.

Jayden disappears into the restroom, displacing Mac. 

Mac: I thought we were going to bed early.

Jax: Yeah, well, the team has to do a better job of adjusting to our opponents.  Consider this an adjustment.  If coach calls, tell him I'm talking to Rosenfetus. 

Mac: This is not a good idea.

Jayden emerges from the bathroom WITH HER TOP ON. 

Jayden James: Ready?

Jax: Yup, got my top on and everything.  See ya, rook.

The door closes behind Jayden and Jax.  Mac pauses a moment and looks at the two as-yet empty beds. 

Mac: We're f*cked tomorrow.