The Book Of Love According To Herr-Dawg

"We are busy all week preparing for our next opponent, the Denver Broncos. All we want for Christmas is to clinch the division. But, for all the single women out there, I overheard Todd Herremans proclaim he is searching for "true love" this holiday season. Maybe we also can make that happen."

--Winston Justice, December 23, 2009

Herr-Dawg: Really glad we could make this work tonight, Winston.  When you called me, I bet you were thinking that I might not have been able to make the time on Christmas to meet a buddy out for a big night on the town, but you're a good friend, and I didn't want to let you down. 

Winston: What are you talking about?  You called me.

Herr-Dawg: Yeah, well, I just knew that you didn't really have anyone to spend the holidays with, and I didn't want to be moping around you house all alone. 

Winston: Dude, I'm married, and my entire family plus my in-laws came to visit. 

Herr-Dawg: Totally, so, you know, I figured you could use a little break from all that domestic bliss, and I wanted to give you a chance to get out of the house. 

Winston: My family lives on the West Coast and I never get to see them. 

Herr-Dawg: Well, no reason a couple of good friends can't have a quiet drink around the holidays and reflect on the past year.

Winston: We're at a strip club.

Herr-Dawg: Are we?  Huh.  I suppose we are.  Anyway, I'm a couple years older than you Winston, and, well, I feel like it's my responsibility to share some wisdom with you.  This is a crazy game we play, and you never know what things will be like next week, let alone next year, and so I wanted to make sure we got some time to talk.  About serious stuff. 

Winston: Serious stuff?

Herr-Dawg: About the most serious stuff, Winston.  About that which has inspired poets and artists for generations!  Love, Winston.  True love. 

Winston: Sure, that's cool.  The thing is, I'm married, and I love my wife. 

Herr-Dawg: Oh right, you're married.  Sure.  [Smiles.]  No no, I got ya.  Married.  Well let's say that we should have this little chat just in case you have some extra love that you'll need to find a home for.  Am I right, big fella? 

Winston: I don't think so.  Seriously, man, I love my wife.

A dancer approaches Herr-Dawg and Winston.

Herr-Dawg: Well hello!  What's your name.

Sparkle: Sparkle. 

Herr-Dawg: What an amazing name.  I used to date a girl named Sparkle in junior high.  Can you give us a couple minutes here?  Thanks. 

Sparkle sighs and marches off.  

Herr-Dawg: So anyway, like I was saying, I wanted to impart some advice to you.  Just in case things don't work out.  It's the compendium of wisdom that I've collected over the years about romance and the art of seduction.  Or, as I call it, the Book of Love. 

Winston: You wrote a book?

Herr-Dawg: Nah, dude.

Winston: You're writing a book?

Herr-Dawg: No.  It's just, you know, some stuff that I like think will help you score some foxes.

Winston: Oh.

Herr-Dawg: Also, ever since A.J. left town, I really haven't had anyone to go out with. 

Winston: Errr.  Wasn't AJ dating that soccer girl while he was playing here? 

Herr-Dawg: You know, AJ and I, we aren't into firm categories and labels like that.  So are you ready?  Let's start at the beginning.  See, the thing about foxes is, and a lot of people will tell you this, but the thing is, success is all about communication.  Am I right?

Winston: Actually, I'd agree with that.  My marriage is based on open communication. 

Herr-Dawg: Whoa whoa whoa.  Who said anything about open communication.  No no.  The key to communication with the foxes is what you don't say.  The non-verbal cues.  The signals that you send with the way you dress or the gestures you make.  Those are everything.

Winston: Like what?

Herr-Dawg: Take, for example, your outfit right there, Winston.  Expensive jeans, plain shoes, and a cashmere sweater.  You look sensible, like the suburbanite that you are.  And that will attract a certain flavor of bored office drone fox with a bunch of sexual hang-ups.  

Winston: But I'm not trying to attract anyone. 

Herr-Dawg: Contrast your look with what I'm wearing: 

Winston: You're wearing a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt and you're holding two watermelons. 

Herr-Dawg: Exactly. 

Winston: Exactly what?

Herr-Dawg: See, I'm sending a message to all the foxes in the room.  I'm putting them on notice. 

Winston: And what notice is that?

Herr-Dawg: First, that I'm a man of class and distinction, but, you know, that I'm not afraid to let my hair down and live a little.  Thus, the tuxedo t-shirt.  Like in that movie.   

Winston: And the melons? 

Herr-Dawg: Well, let's just say that walking around with two oversized melons tucked under my arms should gently suggest the sort of fox I'm looking for.  It's subtle, but the clever foxes can figure it out.   

Winston: Do you carry the melons around all night? 

Herr-Dawg: Depends on the season.

Winston: Hey man, I think I need to get going.

Herr-Dawg: Nah dude, chill, chill.  We're only getting started.  Let me show you some non-produce-related tricks of the trade here.  [Gestures to a dancer walking past.]  Excuse me, darling, you got a minute? 

Dancer: Sure thing. 

Dancer sits down next to Herr-Dawg.

Herr-Dawg: Now what's your name? 

Desire: Desire.  You want a dance? 

Herr-Dawg: Maybe in a minute.  For now, I just want to talk.  Can we talk a little? 

Desire: Talk, dance, all costs the same. 

Herr-Dawg: Well, if it's all the same to you...

Desire goes to work.

Herr-Dawg: Well, it's just I'm a little upset around the holidays this year. 

Desire: [Monotone.] Oh yeah, why's that?

Herr-Dawg: It'll be my first Christmas without my dog.  He died this year.  His name was Zeus.  I grew up with that dog.  [Stares wistfully toward the DJ booth.]

Desire: [Warming up.]  Oh you poor thing.

Herr-Dawg: And, it's just, you know.  Oh, I should stop.  This is embarrassing. 

Desire: No no, you can keep talking.  I had a dog growing up too. 

Herr-Dawg: Then you know what it's like to lose a pet.

Desire: I do.

Herr-Dawg: It's just.  You know, I come here to try to get away from those feelings of loss.  And I just can't.  Everything reminds me of Zeus.  Like that stripper pole.  He loved peeing on poles.  Or the strobe lights.  He loved flashing lights.  Oh, I don't know. 

Desire: Oh, I'm sorry to hear all that.  You know, you're kind of cute. 

Herr-Dawg: Thanks.  So, you mind if I get your number?  You know, just to talk it out some time?

Desire: Umm, I'm sort of between phones right now.

[Song ends.]

Desire: That'll be twenty. 

Herr-Dawg pays Desire and she leaves with a smile.

Herr-Dawg: You see that? 

Winston: See what?  You paid her for a lapdance and she wouldn't give you her number.

Herr-Dawg: Yeah, but she smiled.  You can tell she was into me.  She'll be back.

Winston: Really sorry to hear about Zeus, though.  I didn't know he had passed away.

Herr-Dawg: Oh he didn't.  He's fine.  Bring him to the park all the time.  He's a total foxhound -- they can't say no to a dude with a dog.  But since I can't bring him in here, I use the dead dog story.  Works like a charm. 

Winston: If you say so.   

Herr-Dawg: Winston, let me ask you something.  What kind of car do you drive? 

Winston perks up. 

Winston: Actually, I drive a Toyota Prius.  

Herr-Dawg: A what? 

Winston: A Toyota Prius.  It's a gas-electric hybrid.  I mean, it's a little on the small side, but I figure I should be doing my part to help conserve fossil fuels.  It's not much, but it does help. 

Herr-Dawg: Oh Winston.  Winston, Winston, Winston. 

Winston: What?

Herr-Dawg: You're a professional athlete driving a highbird or whatever it's called -- are you kidding me?   What sort of message do you think that sends? 

Winston: That I'm "concerned about the environment and not into conspicuous consumption"? 

Herr-Dawg: Try you are "an ineffectual pansy who's dogged by rumors concerning his sexual orientation."

Winston: Dude, that's not cool. 

Herr-Dawg: Winston, Herr-Dawg is here to speak the truth, and your choice of vehicle says volumes about you to the foxes.  [Gestures to dancer walking past.]  Sweetheart, what's your name? 

Passion: Passion.  You want a dance? 

Herr-Dawg: I sure do.  

Passion settles into Herr-Dawg's lap and goes to work.

Herr-Dawg: Sounds good.  So Passion.

Passion: Yeah.

Herr-Dawg: My boy Winston here.

Passion: He need a dance too?

Herr-Dawg: He might, but we want to have a little chat first.  So we're talking cars. 

Passion: Cars, sure.

Herr-Dawg: What would you say if I told you that this man over here drove a Toyota Prius?

Passion: I dunno, that's cool.  Environmentally friendly.

Herr-Dawg: Yeah, environmentally friendly.  Oh, that's nice, yeah.  Keep going with that, you're beautiful.  So yeah, it's environmentally friendly, but do you want to date a guy who drives a Prius?  Or are you looking for something a little more, you know, manly.  Mysterious. 

Passion: Like a Porsche?

Herr-Dawg: Sort of like a Porsche.

Passion: Well, like what then?

Herr-Dawg: Like a matte black Econoline conversion van with tinted windows and a red racing stripe.  Or, as I like to call it, Herr-Dawg's LoveWagon. 

Passion: [Stops dancing.]  What're you, some kind of child molester/ serial rapist?  Can you just pay me, please? 

Herr-Dawg: Whatever you need, baby, whatever you need.  

Herr-Dawg hands her twenty dollars and Passion stomps off. 

Herr-Dawg: She'll be back. 

Winston: I don't think so.  She seemed kind of scared.

Herr-Dawg: See, to the untrained eye, she seemed scared.  But to an experienced fox huntsmen like myself, that was just her way of telling me about her unresolved daddy issues and desire to be dominated.

Winston: Seriously man, I really need to be going.

Herr-Dawg: But we've barely scratched the surface of the Book of Love?

Winston: That's great -- maybe we can talk about it at practice next week. 

A young man walks past trailed by four women.

Winston: Wait, is that Jax?  Hey, Jax -- it's Winston and Herr-Dawg.  

Jax: We out here waaaaaaay max turnt up gettn it in ya digg we still goin and its 330 in da am we gettn it baby!!!

Winston: Yeah, um, awesome.  Well I was just leaving, but I think you and Herr-Dawg could maybe catch up a bit.

Herr-Dawg: Yeah, great to see you, brah.  And nice to meet such a lovely young group of foxes as well. 

Jax: whats popn ya boi finna get it in 2night bac at Atlantic city and betta believe its goin down ya digg..... lets get it on.... and popn.

Herr-Dawg: You guys are going to AC?  You mind if I tag along?

Jax: Still goin yessir I said I get it in ya digg.....

Herr-Dawg: We can take the LoveWagon!  You ladies like unmarked black vans?  And actually, I could use the company.  [Turning to one of the women with Jax.]  You see, it's just tough for me around the holidays.  This is my first Christmas without my dog Zeus.... 

Jax: Sheeeesh!!

Winston: Sheeeesh indeed.  You guys have a good time tonight.