There but for the grace of a 13.5-point favorite losing at home go we

I was definitely on board when Derek expressed surprise over Mike Shanahan's dismissal in Denver.  Definitely didn't see that coming, but it certainly highlighted how a couple down seasons might force even a guy like Shanahan (who had a rather lofty title in Denver, made all the decisions, etc etc.) out the door. 

Two months later, I find myself following the McDaniels-vs-Cutler drama out of Broncos HQ with an ever-increasing sense of perverse voyeurism.  Not exactly a healthy situation out there, is it.  Yikes -- I guess it isn't just Philly that's capable of drama in the papers. 

They went from having a potential franchise QB with a huge arm to an impasse between coach and player that may end up eanring Jay Cutler a ticket on Northwest to Detroit (where he will presumably be disappointed by L.J. Smith's poor blocking).  The owner actually had to release a statement Sunday night to clear up the noise that came out of McDaniel and Cutler's attempt to make nice. 

I cannot imagine that Broncos fans are thrilled by this (though I'm sure many of them are turning on Cutler as a result of his whingin'/ bellyachin'). 

Without veering too far into imaginary fantasy land, one can perhaps imagine a scenario where the Eagles dropped a few more games this season, and Joe Banner decided to make bigger changes this offseason.  And instead of complaining about a team that reached the NFC Championship game not overpaying to keep guys in their mid-thirties, we could be witnessing some sort of horrific break-up with a new coach and McNabb/ media drama that conjures up ghosts of the circus from the 2005 season.

Certainly, the offseason would have had a very different tone were it not for that 13.5-point favorite losing at home in Week 17.  Just a thought (for another slow news day). 

And now, just because, the Jay Cutler clip from South Park. In case you didn't know, he "might be good some day."   

And on a slow Eagles news day, we get meta-meta-meta commentary

Call me a sucker, but I was intrigued by the tidbits of protest regarding the sometimes strained relations between Reporter and Player in Les Bowen's Eagletarian posts from the weekend.  Whilst I've certainly lobbed my fair share of criticism at the local blathertariat for their complaints in re: Andy Reid's "boring" press conferences (Folks!  Get over it!  You're just complaining because he's making your job marginally more difficult!), Les's descriptions of his awkward encounters with Brian Westbrook at Tra Thomas's charity golf tourney actually engaged me a bit.  Not engaged enough to post it to my delicious, mind you, but still, it made me pause for just a moment:

Long story short, because I don’t think the public is all that interested in the trials and tribulations of reporters trying to get stories, BWest unagreed to speak with me on Saturday. He’s a quirky, cantankerous interview subject in the best of times, and with all the hubbub surrounding the departures of longtime Eagles franchise icons, including Brian Dawkins and the weekend’s host, I think he decided these were not the best of times.

Of course, Westbrook could have just said that on Friday, rather than leading me to believe we would speak, then putting me off again and again on Saturday, and, I believe, working to make me unwelcome at the charity event I had been invited to attend, but that’s life covering professional athletes. One is reminded constantly that their time is much more precious than one’s own.

Anyhow --- and that really is the short version, trust me – I did manage to wedge in a few questions here and there, as Brian was climbing in and out of SUVs, and some puffed-up local dignitary was threatening me with arrest.

I mean, I can see both sides here -- Westbrook probably didn't want to have to talk about being injured, Les was just trying to do his job -- but the scene of it all really worked for me.  I imagine there was a collective sense of "Dude, I thought we were skipping out on the missuses for a couple days down here -- who invited those guys" among the players, and an awkward paparazzo moment for the writers, whom I can't imagine enjoy chasing players through golf course parking lots for quotes in March.  Anyway, I didn't mind the meta-commentary/ insight into the life of the journalist (mostly because there wasn't much actual news this weekend), and was a bit surprised to see the normally friendly (or so I had thought!) B-West stonewalling the local papers.

But whatever, no biggie, and I wouldn't have mentioned this had I not run into Bob Ford's extensive chiding of Les on his own "blog" at Philly.com:

When Brookie and Les tried to get a state-of-the-team address out of Brian Westbrook, however, or even a that's-too-bad about the departure of Brian Dawkins and Tra, Westbrook dodged the boys as if they were coming to tackle him.

Brookie kind of shrugged it off, and wrote a story, but Les took it hard, and he blogged lengthily about the difficult travel he had gone through, and the enormous output of energy required to chase around Westbrook for several days, while the running back kept changing his mind about whether he would talk, when he would talk and to whom he would talk. Les didn't say anything about the mints on the hotel pillow, but I've got a sneaking suspicion those weren't up to snuff, either. 

Rrrrrrr!  What's that all about?  Aren't these guys all on the same team?  I thought petty rivalries only happened at my workplace?  What gives?  

(Of course, it might also be that, um, there isn't much Eagles-related to report today.  Such that in addition to Bob Ford's meta-meta story, you get my meta-meta-meta story.  Ultimately, I couldn't resist the opportunity for the triple meta.)

*****

In other news for a slow day, I actually thought Reuben Frank made a lot of sense with his column yesterday. 

Also, looks like the Falcons said thanks-but-no-thanks to the services of L.J. Smith, leaving the, ahem, Lions as the only team interested in Smith (let us all share a giggle).  By the way, I cannot wait to hear L.J. unburden himself regarding all those top secret "other factors."  No.  Really.  Tell us more, L.J. 

Finally -- and this one is especially pitiful -- was anyone else following the NFLPA election and "rooting" for Troy Vincent because he once played on the Eagles?  Or was that just me?

Like I said, slow news day.            

  

Off Topic: Football in the style of Mercosur

Yup, we're veering wildly off topic here.  Whilst we're officially on vacation this week in South America, that doesn't mean we've stopped being interested in football, and in the absence of the proper North American kind, we checked out some futbol Sunday afternoon.  Specifically, we saw River Plate host Arsenal in the stadium that staged the 1978 World Cup final.  Good times were had by most, as the home side prevailed 3-1 after going down both a man and a goal right before halftime. 

In an effort to keep it vaguely topical, I've got three takeaways below from my afternoon of futbol, which I'll try to relate to my experiences in NFL stadia...or something like that. 

1.  "You cannot go to Boca.  River, yes.  Your wife, she cannot go to either."  Had a lovely cab ride from the airport, with a very friendly driver who was willing to engage my halting Spanish in chitchat for the 30-minute ride.  We got to talking about my ambitions to see some futbol, and he politely explained that it would not be safe for me to go to a Boca Juniors match, and that I should check out River Plate instead and, also, that it wasn't safe for Mrs. BountyBowl to attend either.  (Boca and River are the two big clubs in Argentina, both in Buenos Aires.)  Luckily, River was at home this weekend, so it would all work out.  Still, I wasn't sure about navigating the game alone, so we signed up for a group excursion to the game via a tour service.  Excellent choice.  The seats weren't outstanding (upper deck, not too far from the barbed-wire enclosure that caged the opposing fans), but having rides to and from the stadium and a guide to get us to the seats (which involved climbing through rows of chairs...there weren't really aisles) was more than worth it.  As we left the stadium, I turned to Mrs. BountyBowl and said that I was surprised at how mellow it all was:

"Mellow?  That was mellow?"

"Yeah, you didn't think so?"

"Those teenagers in front of us were grabbing their crotch and taunting the other team's fans the entire match, and while I may not know much Spanish, I sure heard the word for whore about nine hundred times."

"Oh right.  That."

I guess I was expecting a riot (and flares...I really was hoping for the flares) or something, so that the non-stop taunting of the Arsenal supporters and onslaught of Spanish profanity didn't really register.  Truth be told, there was quite a bit of standing on seats and crotch grabbing, and the ten-year-olds with the puta, yeah, I guess that wasn't so chill.  All about expectations, I suppose.     

2.  Usually, there are 22 players on the pitch.  So if you asked me to make a joke about Argentine domestic football, my limited Fox Soccer Channel knowledge would lead me to crack wise about every game ending with a fistfight (the original argy-bargy).  Right.  Shockingly, four players were ejected from yesterday's affair (two for each team), and while there wasn't an outright brawl, it was "testy" at times.  Again, I was shocked.  No.  Really.   

3.  A moment of reflection.  I'd say the most profound moment of the match came after Arsenal scored in first-half injury time on a penalty following a River Plate ejection.  Not a happy moment for those in attendance, who had watched their team hit the woodwork a few times to no avail.  I would have understood if the peoples had started to get down on their guys.  Certainly a similar scenario in Philly (terrible penalty that led to points at the end of the half) would have occasioned a lusty round of boos at the Linc.  But no!  At River Plate, the goal didn't earn whistles (their version of the boo), it just made them sing louder.  That is, they'd been singing the whole time, and when the other team scored, they didn't abandon their team, they actually took some accountability for things.  It was as if 40,000 people decided that their team needed their help, and that help = SING LOUDER.  It was actually kind of touching.  I was impressed.  Something for us all to think about (though I'll admit I really enjoy booing...I'm just saying we can think about it).  

Adios for now. 

Dawkinsgate! Local sports-talk radio to host a full day of finger-pointing and damage control

In the spirit of in-season press-conference Wednesdays, it looks like today is going to be Brian Dawkins day on Philadelphia's airwaves.  Our two (2) local sports-talk radio outlets will be in the mix (no recession troubles in the "selling sports-related hype and angst" biz, I s'pose), with ESPN leading off with Dawk himself on the Jody Mac show at 10 (preview here), followed by (cue Darth Vader theme) Joe Banner on Howard Eskin at 3.

The Dawkins interview is already taped, and the always-intrepid Les Bowen has done us the favor of reviewing the transcript (note that I'm not making any jokes about Les not knowing how to make the "podcast" work).  Without actually calling people names, it sure sounds like Dawkins wasn't exactly thrilled about how it all went down:

Did the Eagles let it be known they can go on without you?

“Yeah, in so many words. For that organization, this was a business deal and it was not business for me. People think I wanted to get to free agency. I did not want to get to free agency. I’ve never gone to free agency. I’ve had times in the past where I could have collected big bucks on the open market, but I did not want to get there. So why would I want to get there all of a sudden now on my last contract. No, I wanted to be an Eagle.”

On if talks with the Eagles got contentious:

“I wouldn’t say ugly, I would just say that they opened my eyes right away that this was a business deal that this wasn’t about me being here, who I am to the team to my teammates and what I’m continuing to do. It was about my age and a business decision and that really hurt.”

Uh oh.   Business decision, huh.  Does that mean it wasn't a football decision?  Or does it mean that business decision + 36-year-old legs necessarily = football decision?  I hate to dwell on this distinction, but in a world where Joe Banner says the Eagles have more money than they can spend, well, the peoples might not be pleased with the result we got. 

Of course, Joe Banner and his PR minions (I guess just Derek Boyko) will have a few hours to go through their talking points before Banner goes on Eskin and takes calls at 3.  Let's give the Birds and Banner credit for making the appearance in front of the customers -- I can't imagine that this would have happened today if Dawkins hadn't left town.  The Eagles know their customers aren't happy about the departure of #20, and they seem willing to take a little public heat for it.  Also, we should expect that 60 percent of callers will bring up the "we have too much money to spend" thing.   

(Speaking of, the "Gonzo" piece yesterday on this topic was a bit silly.  This statement especially:

And the Eagles? They issued a news release - probably adapted from some generic template they keep handy for such an occasion - and moved on. Hey, it's just business to the Birds. Maybe you've heard.

Um, I don't think their generic template includes the owner calling the departed player a Hall of Famer.  And I don't think that they send the President of the org into the belly of the beast on talk radio if they've just moved on -- and note that Banner's appearance was announced Monday, before Gonzo's column.)

So yeah, today should be a dandy for those who appreciate a bit of civic theater.  At the very least, we can all take some solace in the fact that at least we're getting a week off from speculating about the quarterback and his various secret rendez-vous (have no idea on the plural there, sigh) -- though I'll of course be pounding F5 at Yardbarker waiting for his next passive-aggressive musing. 

Greetings and Salutations

Much like Stacy Andrews, it sure looks like my introductory press conference has been sidetracked a bit by this weekend's Big News. Tough to upstage the departure of a guy who is arguably the most popular athlete in the history of the town (full disclosure: I'm not remotely done thinking about the Dawk thing, OD'd a bit on WIP this morning/ afternoon, can't stop reading the commentary, yeah, it's bad), but in the interests of skipping past the administrivia and getting down to our proper business around here, we're going to need to take care of introductions.  

So hello.  I'm the erstwhile "Gabe from BountyBowl," heretofore listed under straight-up a "BountyBowl" moniker here at IgglesBlog.  I've decided to ditch my own Eagles site and join Derek over here at IgglesBlog (full self-indulgent reflection available here).  I'm thrilled to be a part of IgglesBlog and am looking forward to joining the conversation here.  

Generally speaking, this will very much remain Derek's site, and I suspect he'll be generating most of the content.  He's the three-down player around here, while I'm planning to be more of the situational pass-rusher/ third-down back.  We don't really have a big plan for how this is all going to work quite yet, but I expect that Derek will continue to do his thing, while I'll pipe up whenever something particularly absurd/ ridiculous happens in and around the team (you know, silly media coverage, imaginary controversies, awkward Joe Banner quotes, that sort of thing).  Essentially, I'm here for the fluffy meta-coverage (and it turns out I love the fluffy meta-coverage -- it's why I started doing this in the first place).

Still, while we don't have an actual plan for how we'll split duties, I didn't sign on the line that was dotted without a few stipulations/ guarantees in my deal.  A quick summary:

1.  Derek's definitely the boss, and will keep me on the straight and narrow (I really should have heeded his advice on the political jokes last fall -- that definitely wasn't worth it), but we don't have to agree about everything.  So long as we keep it polite, I think some disagreement can be entertaining.  We'll shoot for the jovial joshing of Kornheiser and Wilbon rather than the dueling expertise of Mike and the Mad Dog.  (Of course, I'll also have to contend with all of you, and trust me, most of you know more about football than I do.  I look forward to being told that I'm blathering in my own right.)     

2.  We're up for a resdesign.  Essentially, if I'm moving in, I want to redecorate a bit.  We've already got the del.icio.us feed rolling in the sidebar, and I'm hoping to bring along some other ideas as well.  Without nerding out too too much, I think we need to get a little more social media in play.  Also, some heinous colors in the design.  I love heinous colors.    

3.  So as much as I'm sure you've all enjoyed following Derek and my Bromance from afar, the line in the phony press release about us never having met or spoken on the phone is absolutely true.  I have no idea what Derek looks like, and my only clue on the voice comes from his podcast links.  But the imaginary-Internet-penpal thing can only go so far.  Thus shall I propose a first-ever meetup take place this coming season at an Eagles home game.  Derek, start lobbying the missus, find a sitter, save your pennies, because we're going to a game.  On this point I shall not budge. 

Anyhoo, happy to be here, and looking forward to talking some Eagles.  Go Birds. 

Season in Review: Top Five Eagles games of the 2008 season (now with extra hindsight bias)

--Posted By BountyBowl--

As part of the post-season post-mortem, I'm treating myself to a review of the happy moments from this past season.  I offer you my five favorite games, which I will argue were the "best" Eagles games of the season.  "Best" is pretty loosely defined here, but the criteria in play are (a) quality of opponent/ victory, (b) potential for persisting in our memory beyond the next couple months, including signature plays or moments, and (c) how I enjoyed that particular game.  Essentially, I'm trying to figure out which five games I'll remember a few years from now.  Note that I've left myself some wiggle room with criterion (c) -- where and how I watched the game will actually matter here. For those of you still convinced this wasn't a cool season, rest assured that this was actually a challenging list to assemble.  I seriously sweated some of these calls.  Yeah.  No kidding.  Note also that the playoff games don't automatically earn a spot on the list (though it's hard to exclude them). And now, in descending order... (5) Eagles 26, Vikings 14 @Minnesota, January 4, 2009.  This edges out the honorable mentions by virtue of being a playoff game and having two signature plays: (a) the Brian Westbrook screen-pass TD and (b) the Asante Samuel pick-six, which included Chris Clemons flattening Tavaris Jackson.  The Westbrook TD will livve in my memory as a companion piece to the long screen-pass TD against the Redskins last season.  It's also worth noting that, um, well, maybe there won't be a ton of awesome Brian Westbrook plays in the future.  What I'll remember about watching this game is that it felt like the Eagles were losing throughout most of the first half (even though they were winning).  What I'll probably forget is how a bad snap made the ending of this game a lot less stressful than it could have been. (4) Eagles 20, Giants 14 @ The Meadowlands, December 7, 2008.  I would argue that this was the game that turned the season for the Eagles -- more so than the win against the Cardinals.  Sure, the Giants were reeling a bit from the Plax news, and the Birds had a couple extra days of rest, but this was the game that showed us how they'd make their run: tough defense and an efficient offense led by a pissed-off Donovan McNabb.  It didn't hurt that Antonio Pierce was personally responsible for the Eagles' two touchdowns, the second of which will be remembered as signature play (the dump-off pass where Westbrook just ran away from Pierce).  It also didn't hurt that I had great seats and ended up on TV.  At the time, I expected that this would be the highlight of the season. (3) Eagles 23, Giants 11 @ The Meadowlands, January 11, 2009.  An abusive effort from the Eagles' defense that included two (2) fourth-down stops in the fourth quarter.  We knew the Giants weren't the same team they were in early November, but they still had a week off and home-field advantage: and the Birds still roughed them up.  In addition to the fourth-down plays, we'll also remember the Asante Samuel pick and Donovan McNabb's phone call (though we didn't actually see that).  We had great seats (at the goal line, nine rows up) and the Birds scored both their TDs right in front of us.  And we'll fondly remember joining the crowd of Birds' fans above the tunnel after the game.  And then we went to Disney World (!). (2) Eagles 44, Cowboys 6 @ Lincoln Financial Field, December 28, 2008.  Eagles porn!  Not since the playoff win against the Lions in the mid-nineties had a game just completely gone this improbably well for the Birds.  That it happened against the Cowboys with a playoff spot on the line in the final game of the season, in a game that wouldn't have mattered had a 13.5-point favorite lost at home in the one-o'clock slot...well, I mean, I guess that's why we call it Eagles porn.  Things you probably don't remember about this game include the fact that McNabb only threw for 175 yards (though he accounted for 3 TDs).  Things you'll remember for a long time include Chris Clemons dropping the stiff arm on Tashard choice, Brian Dawkins ripping the ball out of Marion Barber's hands, and the part where Tony Romo apparently collapsed in the locker room.  Note that as of today (February 7, 2009), it appears that the Cowboys have yet to recover from this loss. (1) Eagles 15, Steelers 6 @Lincoln Financial Field, September 21, 2008.  Would this -- a September game against an AFC opponent -- have been number 1 if the Steelers hadn't won the Super Bowl?  No.  But it would have been no lower than number 3.  This game was the sneak preview of the Eagles defense that would emerge in December.  Watching the game again is as Eagles porn-y as the Cowboys game, and maybe even more so: the Eagles' pass rush looked like something out of the early 90s.  From the NFL.com game report:

The Eagles recorded nine sacks and a safety and had at least twice that many knock-downs. And those numbers don't count the four times Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger barely escaped sacks and was credited with 6 total rushing yards. If Roethlisberger was less elusive, the Eagles very easily could have tallied 15 sacks or more.

Remember also that the Eagles didn't have much on offense that day: Westbrook got hurt early, Kevin Curtis wasn't back yet, and the Steelers can also play some defense.  But the Birds got it done, most because Pittsburgh could not keep their quarterback upright.  The signature play of the game -- and maybe the season -- is undoubtedly the Brian Dawkins superhero strip-and-recovery with 3:39 left in the game in which Dawkins appears to violate the laws of Newtonian physics (feel free to treat yourself to another viewing).  If this game gets mysteriously erased from my DVR, couples therapy will be in my future. Honorable mentions: Eagles 48, Cardinals 20, Dallas 41, Eagles 37 (the only loss that had a chance).

In response to this week ’ s Donovan McNabb non-story, I offer you a quiz

Cheers to Derek for admirably tackling the Donovan McNabb non-story yesterday (and if you're not reading Igglesblog this week, you should be -- TONS of great stuff over there, heavy on the charts) -- this is yeoman's work!

In lieu of actually engaging in said conversation, I'm going to offer an observation and a link.  The observation is that our attraction to Donovan McNabb is no longer a sports attraction, it's a celebrity attraction.  It's not Elton Brand, it's Britney Spears.  That is, we're just following drama at this point, not sports.  And for a page-view hungry Philly.com, well, this is just a bear on a bike for them.

If we (or the local media) were really interested in local sports this week, they'd have plenty to talk about: two showdowns with top-of-the-table Boston teams (both close losses -- yes, I'm counting the Flyers as a close loss), and the realization that maybe Elton Brand is stealing from the Sixers.  But no, we get some hearsay from Jeremiah Trotter and Hugh Douglas, amplified by an all-too-willing cadre of local blathermonkeys.  Whatever.

If you're hung up on Dunavin this week, might I suggest that you click this link and take a little quiz.  Consider it a reminder of how bad things could actually be.  For the record, I got 11 of 27.

(Who's going to be the enterprising Iggles fan who will create one of these quizzes for Eagles QBs since Jaws retired.  Who?  Pointing at nose, staring at ground....)

Feeling down about the Birds? Get some unicorns!

Bummed about another NFC Championship loss?

Unsure about the quarterback?

Fearful that it'll never work out for Andy Reid?

Looks like what we all need is a stupid internet trick:

Click away and make some happy in the Internets! (Be sure to treat yourself to multiple clicks.)

Special Guest Post: If God & Jesus get the credit, how does Satan escape the blame?

A buddy of BountyBowl posted this to his Facebook profile on Super Bowl Sunday, and well, I thought it was too good not to ask him for reprinting rights.  We'll protect the official names of the innocent, but he's appeared in the comments here on BountyBowl as "Thorles" a couple times, and has occasionally had the misfortune of watching Eagles games with me.  Though he's a Boston guy (and a tasteful Boston fan at that!), he spent the last two years living in a house full of Birds fans whilst in grad school.  That is, he knows the drill.

Enjoy!

If God & Jesus get the credit, how does Satan escape the blame?

Why do football players not blame Satan and his minions for on-field missteps? Many players find a way to give thanks to a higher power (usually Jesus and the Christian conception of God): kickers pointing to the sky after a made kick, players including bible verses on the eye black (Tim Tebow) or rambling on in post-game interviews about divine intervention in the throwing of a winning touchdown (Kurt Warner).

Jesus has never been involved in a missed kick. He has never thrown an interception, fumbled the ball, jumped offsides or dropped a crucial pass. In baseball, he has hit many homers and won titles but has been a strike-out victim not a single time!

One can only assume that the Dark Lord bested Jesus in those particular instances where a player failed rather than succeeded. How refreshing would it be to hear the Prince of Darkness cited in a post-game interview as contributing to a player's poor showing or a team's demise? "Yeah, Satan really had it in for me today. On that first pick, the Deceiver of Men gave help to the cornerback as he raced all 78 yards to the end zone. I thought Jesus would come through for us in the 4th quarter but obviously the Devil and his agents were working against us."

Is Satan pissed that he's not getting credit? All his hard work to meddle with the fervent if misguided pleadings of the faithful and he gets no press? No mention in a post game interview? Satan is no doubt proud of his deceit and trickery and surely wants acknowledgment of its formidable potency. And what of those athletes who seem to have sold their souls in exchange for otherwordly or an inexplicable run of good luck? As a Pats' fan I really want to hear Tom Brady explain his deal with the devil. I think he reneged on his end of the bargain and was rewarded with a season-ending knee injury. Though he still has Gisele on his arm...maybe that was the trade-off.

On the "Scripture written in the eye black" angle, how about spicing up the verses? John 3:16 ("For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life") and Philippians 4:13 ("I can do all things through him who strengthens me") are swell and all, but how about some Old Testament Fire and Brimstone shit? Real wrath of God type stuff? "Then the Lord rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the Lord out of heaven; and he overthrew those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground." (Genesis 19:24, 25). Or going New Testament with anything from Revelations, tales of plagues and serpents and dragons running amok, and seas and rivers turning to fire? How about an approach with more carnal relevance: recent history suggests that many college and professional athletes enjoy the company of women but seem to disdain the limitations of birth control measures: "David took mores wives in Jerusalem, and David became the father of more sons and daughters." (1 Chronicles 14:3). Most TV announcers, being less than biblical scholars and generally utter morons, would be falling over each other to heap praise on a player for his "devout religions beliefs", unaware that the scripture in question promotes violence, promiscuity, discrimination or the embrace of mythological creatures.

I'll concede the requested involvement of a higher authority in praying for safety and health, or the recovery from injury of a downed player. If he doesn't make it, or ends up paralyzed, can we once again fault the idol-strewn path to the Lake of Fire?

Implicit in the praising of God for on-field success is that God somehow has a vested interest in the outcome of the game (is Jesus making prop bets on Super Bowl XLIII? Parlays? Does JC have a gambling problem?) and is somehow judging certain players more worthy of receiving His help than others. If He helps you throw a touchdown, does that mean your defensive opponents are a motley collection of idolaters, sodomites and followers of false prophets?

Do not the Father, Son and Holy Ghost have more pressing matters clamoring for attention? I suppose we can assume that there is no better multi-tasker than a divine being who can concurrently note the need for a 52 yard FG while saving orphaned children from money grubbing sweatshop owners.

I don't know. I'm not religious. It just seems offensive to parade one's faith as some sort of on-field gimmick, a gadget play, a form of "trickeration" (in the parlance of our times). Seems like a "money-changers in the temple" sort of thing. Though I find humor in imagining an omniscient, multi-tasking supreme being reading another prayer or thanks that has made its way into his/her/its Inbox (certainly God uses the Internet), shaking his/her/its head and mumbling about "effing meatheads think I give a damn about some crappy football game."

Or maybe God never sees these prayers or hears these displays of gratitude? I'd venture that God benefits from celestial junk mail-filtering and spam-detecting technology that terrestrial IT departments can only fantasize about. God is vaguely aware of his name being used or summoned for decidedly earthly matters but has smartly delegated the handling of the prayer deluge to his tech-savvy staff of angels. That's the analogy. Sports prayers : God :: spam : the rest of us. Praying for a converted 4th and 1 receives about as much attention from a deity as junk mail beckonings for discount Cialis do from we mere mortals.

Yup. Rather than praying for assistance with the outcome of a sporting event, we should all pray for permission to use God's IT professionals. It will save us from the modern incarnation of Satan's evil ways: spam.

In a few hours I'll be watching the Super Bowl, rolling my eyes at on-field salutations to the sky, and smirking at post-game vocal offerings to God. Provided I have not slipped into the delirium of a food coma by that point...or been banished to hell for writing this note. At which point I will cite Beelzebub for my note-writing success.

How to host an imaginary Super Bowl party

You might think that the Eagles' loss two weeks ago will ruin your final opportunity to watch a legitimate professional football game for next seven months.  Au contraire!  I mean, I know it seemed like the Eagles lost the NFC Championship and won't be playing in the Super Bowl, but that doesn't mean you have to play along.  See below for some simple tips on how to host the Big Game in proper Eagles style....

1.  Start early.  Put on your gear and get to the store before noon.  You don't want to be one of those last-minute shoppers who's picking through a decimated chip section or hunting for the last packet of Lil Smokeys.  They will run out of Crescent Rolls if you're not careful.  Be sure to be sporting at least your Eagles jersey, and also some sort of hat if possible.  Civilians might think you're wearing those colors just out of general interest in the NFL, but you'll know better.

2.  Don't be a total homer, but let 'em know where you stand.  Should you run into a fellow patron at the store and have them inquire as to your rooting interests in the Big Game, be polite but firm: "Well I certainly think it'll be a great game today, and Pittsburgh's a great team, but I really think the Eagles' defense and special teams will pull through."

3.  And then, DENY DENY DENY.  While some civilians might be satisfied with this answer (as they're not really sure who's playing in the game anyway), most men might choose to cross examine at this point.  The important part here is not to come on too strong.  Acknowledge that the Birds had a tough day in the NFC Championship, and that "they have a few things to work on, but luckily, the extra week should give them time to prepare and correct some of those things."  That's probably a good moment to cut off that conversation, BTW.

4.  Whom to invite?  The Super Bowl is one of those events that forces the football devotee to sit in the same room with the dilettante (horrible, horrible, I know) and pretend to enjoy watching the game while the non-psychopaths prattle on and on and on and on about decidedly non-football-related topics (the global economic meltdown, trouble in the Middle East, overweight Jessica Simpson, what have you).  While it's rude to not invite friends and loved ones for a big day like this, it's worth reminding them "how I get" during Eagles games and how "I can't really be accountable for my behavior."  Nothing like a thinly veiled threat to keep the flies away!

5.  What should guests expect to bring?  As a host, you need to take point on the main dishes and proteins, as well as anything that'll require significant prep (dips, guacamole, stuff like that).  Tell guests to bring beer or, of course, a dessert, but only if said dessert is green-themed (icing, ice cream flavors, cupcakes, etc).

6.  Pre-game entertainment.  Sure, you could watch the interminable network pre-game shows, but is that really going to capture the Philly feel of Super Bowl Sunday?  I'd get WIP piping through your stereo as a nice ambient background sound, and then, when folks start to filter in, the coup de grace: Wing Bowl highlights from you computer piped into the TV.  That's just the sort of thing that'll get your party started right.

7.  When 6:30 rolls around.  As kickoff approaches, some of your guests may begin to get a bit nervous about this "Super" Bowl thing.  They might even make noises about wanting to watch the commercials!  That's the point where you remind them that we won't be watching commercials today and cue up the DVR for...an encore presentation of the Eagles' September 21 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers!  Happy Super Bowl!

(What, you don't still have the Steelers game on the DVR?  You let the missus delete it in favor of Gossip Girl reruns?  I'm guarding my copy with my life.)