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I can't help it, this is all too much fun:

I Am Truly a Bad Person

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHA ...

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA

(photo credit: TONY GUTIERREZ / Associated Press)

This Isn't a Joke

I mean it is, but it isn't.

You already know Terrell Owens is a published author, what with that autobiography of his in which he was misquoted.  But did you know he was coming out with a new book for children?

TO is co-authoring a series of children's books called "T.O.'s Timeouts."  In what may just be the most ironic twist of all time -- literally, I can't think of anything that tops it -- here's the plot of the first one:

In Little T Learns to Share, Terrell provides a genuine and important childhood story of Little T, a boy who doesn’t want to share his new shiny football with his friends. When he tries to play by himself, however, he realizes that football isn’t any fun alone. Thanks to his mother’s good advice, he manages to win back his friends, and learns both the value of sharing and the importance of being fair.

In the next one Little T learns it's not OK to take all of grandma's pills just because you feel "sad."

Watch out J.K. Rowling. 

Update:  Look, I swear I'm not making this up.  Check out what appeared in the Dallas Morning News story about this book:

It's the first book of T.O.'s Timeout Series. The second book, "Little T Learns What Not to Say" is due in spring 2007, and the third one, "Little T Learns To Say I'm Sorry" (!!!) comes out in fall 2007. The other topics haven't been determined.

"It's a life lesson for discipline," said Courtney Parker, the co-author who has known Owens since they were freshmen at Tennessee-Chattanooga. "It's ironic because he's considered one of the more undisciplined players in the NFL."

We'll Never Find Out About It

But my guess is Andy Reid will be one of the first people to try to reach out to Owens with an offer of help. 

Maybe that will finally be the moment some sanity begins to penetrate TO's thick skull.

As for the story itself, it seems to be firming up a bit (still Associated Press):

A Dallas police report released Wednesday morning said Owens told a friend "that he was depressed." The report was first released by WFAA-TV.

The friend, who is not identified in the report, "noticed that [his] prescription pain medication was empty and observed [Owens] putting two pills in his mouth," the police report said.

The friend attempted to pry them out with her fingers, then was told by Owens that before this incident he'd taken only five of the 40 pain pills in the bottle he'd emptied. Owens was asked by rescue workers "if he was attempting to harm himself, at which time [he] stated, 'Yes.'"

KTVT-TV in Dallas reported that a woman named "Etheridge", likely his publicist Kim Etheridge, called police at 7:51 p.m. to report a suicide attempt. KTVT-TV reported that Owens ingested 35 pills.

TO Attempts Suicide?

This story is just nuts:

According to a Dallas police report obtained by News 8, Dallas Cowboys star receiver Terrell Owens attempted suicide Tuesday night.

The report says Owens was depressed and reportedly took prescription pain pills. A woman companion states that she observed him putting two pills in his mouth.

According to the police narrative, the woman said the prescription of 40 pills was filled on September 18 and—until Tuesday—Owens had taken only five pills.

The police report said Owens was asked if he had taken the rest of the prescription; Owens said, "Yes."

According to the report, police also asked if he was trying to harm himself. Owens answered, "Yes."

I have many thoughts here, but it occurs to me that perhaps I should wait until we find out a little bit more about all this.  Something doesn't smell quite right. 

But once again, after a month-long hiatus from the top, TO has managed to become the biggest sports story of the day.

Here's Your Kool-Aid, Sir.

I promise I won't write anything else about TO for the rest of the day, but SI's Michael Silver got spun so hard in this story that one wonders if he'll ever be able to walk in a straight line again. 

Under the headline "Laying down the law; T.O. practices, proving Parcells is still in total control," Silver starts out by writing:

If you're wondering why Terrell Owens chose Wednesday to make his sudden return to the practice field after having skipped the 14 previous sessions, the answer is rather simple: The Dallas Cowboys' mercurial receiver apparently decided he'd rather deal with a twinge in his left hamstring than with his sore head coach.

Fair enough.  Then he continues:

SI.com has learned that the previous afternoon, during the team's training-camp practice in Oxnard, Calif., Cowboys coach Bill Parcells approached trainer Jim Maurer and pointedly said, "Look, you tell Terrell that tomorrow I want him out here for practice. Tomorrow's the day. I don't care. Tomorrow's the day."

Unless you think Maurer the trainer has Silver on speed-dial, "SI.com has learned" is super-secret code for "someone in the Dallas front office is doing damage control, hoping that by giving me this little exclusive, I'll write exactly the story they're looking for."  Let's see how Mr. Anonymous did:

Apparently, Owens got the message, rejoining his teammates on the field Wednesday afternoon for the first time since Aug. 2. And, equally important, Parcells sent a message to his players that he remains firmly in charge of his team.

...despite all appearances to the contrary over the past two weeks...

"Before T.O. got back out there, a lot of people were starting to second-guess Bill," one Cowboys player says. "For the first time ever, he'd shown a little weakness, like he might not be totally in control, and like he didn't know how to handle this situation. Because, let's face it, it's been a total spectacle so far."

In this paragraph, Mr. Anonymous Front Office Person is here joined by Mr. Anonymous Player.  Any guesses as to whom it might be?  All we know for sure -- it's someone who doesn't want to be chapter four in Owens' next book.  The AP has more to say:

Don't think that the "Tour de Terrell" stunt Owens pulled last week -- wearing the Discovery Channel pro cycling team's silver and blue jersey and a racing helmet while riding his stationary bike on the sideline during practice -- didn't irk Parcells, who reacted disgustedly. "As soon as he saw T.O. in the jersey, and saw all the TV cameras heading over, Parcells got up and walked to the other end of the field," says the same Cowboys player. "It's like he was saying, 'There's no way you're gonna get a shot of me in the same frame as that crap.'"

Tired of letting his sources carry all the load for this story on the record, Silver decides to give a little help:

Despite having consistently complained of hamstring pain, the wideout was rumored to have run a 4.48 40-yard dash on Tuesday. An MRI exam on Aug. 5, three days after he said he first injured the hamstring, reportedly came up clear.

"Rumored."  As in Mr. AFOP just told me.  Back to the very quotable player:

But until Parcells' ultimatum to Maurer, they weren't sure if the Tuna had the juice or gumption to take on Jones' prized free-agent signee.

"We all just sat and wondered, 'Who's gonna win this battle?'" says the Cowboys player. "As a player, you can't help but get distracted when something like that is going on. The guy comes out last every single practice, has somebody carrying his helmet and is always putting on his uniform at the last minute, and then he's out there riding the bike and drawing attention to himself. Even if he's not trying to be a deterrent -- and he clearly is -- it's obvious that the coach isn't happy.

"The bottom line is, he appeared to be healthy and wasn't practicing. So we'd sit and wonder, Who's gonna win? How's it gonna go down?'"

Give this round to the Tuna -- and stay tuned.

Michael Silver, folks, he's there when you need him. 

Who Could Sign You-Know-Who?

Look, I'm not saying the Cowboys are going to cut TO, but you certainly have to wonder how long Parcells is going to put up with this stuff.  So here's a crazy, calorie-free post for today.  IF the Cowboys kicked his whiny butt out the door, where would he end up?

It's a fun game.  Here's my best guess:

Not Unless Hell Freezes Over

32. Dallas
31. Philly
30. San Francisco
29. Minnesota

Still No Chance:

27. Atlanta (Blank on record)
28. Pittsburgh
26. Indy (doesn't need him)
25. Cincinnati (ditto)
24. New England (not after he messes w/ Belichick's mentor)
23. Tennessee (cap space)
22. Houston (new coach)
21. NY Jets (ditto, also Belichick clone)
20. Kansas City (bad fit for the offense)
19. Cleveland (why bother?)
18. NY Giants (way too explosive combo with Shockey, Burress and Manning)
17. St. Louis (not with other receivers they have)
16. Seattle (Holmgren/Reid connection, but he would make this a scary team)
15. Washington (enough talent and a strapped cap, but Danny would consider it)

Not Likely:

14. Oakland (Moss and cap space, but still, you have to think Al would try)
13. Arizona (has WR talent already, but Green does some crazy personnel stuff)
12. San Diego (can't see Schottenheimer being OK with this, but his GM does hate him...)
11. Chicago (bad fit for city, big help for team)
10. Buffalo (terrible QB situation)
9. Green Bay (new coach, but Favre is the bestest QB ever...)

Maybe:

8. Detroit (has WR, but also has plenty of cap space and Millen has to be desperate to turn things around)
7. Jacksonville (cap space is there and Del Rio might think he can handle him)
6. Carolina (fine at WR, but what if Smith gets hurt? Might be worth it then for this team)
5. New Orleans (plenty of cap space and could use the boost, especially as they struggle to stay relevant)
4. Denver (fine at WR but Shanahan is a major gambler, also good fit w/West Coast offense)

Best Chance:

3. Baltimore (in a heartbeat, could play with McNair)
2. Miami (just a hunch, also has a good QB)
1. Tampa Bay (Gruden thinks he's bulletproof, it's a West Coast offense, and he might be talented enough to jump-start this offense)